/*amazon_ad_exclude = "christian"*/ The Skin I Am In: Only The Real Thing

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Only The Real Thing

I am on a mission. This is no bargain hunt, either. Cheap imitations will not be accepted. Nor last resorts. Nor second-hand goods. It must be 100% authentic, for this is far too critical to settle for less. I am not out to find the best that has ever been. That would be an impossible quest. I am merely out to discover, and then implement, my best -- flawed and imperfect as it is. Regardless of quality, it must be genuine. It must be true.

I know that the path to self is a continuous one, forever winding and twisting until the moment of our final breath. However, I have recently covered a lot of distance in quite a short time and am closer than ever to me. The trail is hot with many clues and I can not afford to let it go cold.

Clearly, I am no longer the young girl who walked down the aisle over a decade ago. As I emerge from naive to painfully aware and self-confident, realizing my potential has become an important quest. One that I am not content with allowing anyone else, including societal roles, defining for me.

Unfortunately, I am currently suffering circumstances which impede my progress rendering my mission impossible. For where I presently reside there is too much stress and chaos to accomplish the task at hand—with so many distractions and influences bearing down on me right and left, I am unable to think clearly about the future. Informed and confident decisions are rarely made in the heat of battle; for that is when survival mode takes over. It is a shoot first, ask questions later mentality when you are in so deep that you can actually hear the bullets whizzing by your head. You don't know whether to duck, jump or dart because there is no time to think or analyze your next move. In survival mode, you are forced to act immediately and rather than strive for the best outcome, you simply hope to make it out alive.

In order to effectively strategize you must step off the battlefield, although mine is not inundated with loads of mass destruction, but rather an insidious form of warfare. Like many types of poisonous gas you can not detect it, yet you notice your health declining as the toxins slowly eat away at your vitality. You eventually become weak, exhausted and apathetic to the cause; even dangerously indifferent to your own survival.

It is additionally disheartening when it is one of your own delivering the poison which is slowly killing you. Even if they did not consciously intend you harm, it is their incessant carelessness and disregard for your well-being that has made it difficult for you to breathe. Ironically, and possibly the cruelest of all, while their actions were destroying your inner core they were simultaneously portraying themselves the victim. What audacity to blame you for your ailing spirit when it was they who supplied the source of your pain! As much as you would like to forgive, it is hard to accept apologies when they continue to demonstrate, and seemingly always will, this same reckless abandon to your health and vitality.

It is therefore difficult for me to see the bigger picture and accomplish my mission while among those same toxic fumes that clouded my vision and deteriorated my livelihood. I desperately need some fresh air so that I may gain a fresh perspective. For this reason, I am organizing a reprieve that will get me out of the war zone and afford me the opportunity to think--not just react. I do not want to get further down my path to look back and have regrets as a result of strategizing in survival mode. I want to not only survive, but to come out with a renewed zest for life. I want to not only be comfortable, but happy and proud to wear the skin I am in.

I plan to return energized and ready to make a fresh start, regardless of what that may be.


doug said...

Great post, glad to see you are back!

FerdC ~ Crazy Medical Cases said...

Good for you, BE. A woman of action!
Take yourself out of the war zone, take a few deep breaths, consider your options, choose the best one, and go for it!
Rooting for you!

Lori said...

What sort of reprieve??? Yes, it's impossible to change things when you are sitting right square in the middle of the status quo. But if you don't MAKE changes, nothing ever changes. Do what you must, dare to fly. And if you need to do a few super-stupid things, that's OK, too. Sometimes we learn more about ourselves from those than anything else. Best wishes!

piebuko said...

You're back, but you still seem sad. *hugs*

The Blogger Exposed said...

I am sad, but yet I am also optimistic.

At this point I am planning to be gone for 3 weeks or so. Long enough to release the tension, let some things go and develop a fresh perspective, while having some fun and R & R in the meantime!

Additionally, I think it will be good for the rest of the family to function without me for a while and possibly gain an appreciation for what I do.

I will still be here for a couple more weeks and I plan to check in while I'm gone, so maybe (hopefully) you'll notice a happier tone to my blog! (I have to admit, it's kind of cliche, but affliction does seem to bring out more fluent writing...so I guess it's not all bad!) :)

Thanks for all your comments and hugs.

Ekim said...

I wanted to stop reading this and couldn't. My mouth went dry and my heart raced as I had flashbacks to my former life.
Those were powerfully descriptive words. I'll bet it felt good to get them out.

The Blogger Exposed said...


Funny, I feel simultaneously compelled to thank you for your comment and to apologize for bringing back less than pleasant memories!

I imagine you can relate in the sense that you are the one who filed for divorce. Either side is devastating to be on, but each has a separate set of issues and emotions tied in I would think. Different perspectives of the same problem. In the end, I think it's all more or less the same. But the one who files has more to sift through and more to weigh. It's probably more like a bomb going off for the other person, where it's been a long, drawn out struggle for me.

Barry said...

It is refreshing to read a post like this. I do not know that I could expose myself as you do though.

The Tampa Pirate said...

Wow, what powerful words. I have been through the wringer too and I remember the pain, but also the cathartic feelings that came after I dropped my defenses and exposed my emotions to the cruel world.

Once you have purged there is no where to go but up.

Great blog, good luck to you.

The Tampa Pirate