My husband came home Friday night from being out of town all week. Perhaps there is something to the cliché that absense makes the heart grow fonder, because he was hardly on my nerves at all while he was gone. My resentment level was way down, and my tight muscles even loosened up enough that I was able to sleep better.
When he got home, the kids were naturally very glad to see him, and it started off wonderfully. We even snuck out of sight to have some hot, passionate guestroom time (figuring the kids wouldn't think to look in there). Afterward, I challenged him to a few games of target practice on the wii, and it was all good. I was thinking, maybe, just maybe, this could work out.
The honeymoom period lasted all of three hours. Then he had to go and be a dick. He went and spanked our 5 year old son for no good reason while putting him to bed. It wasn't a lashing, but it was loud enough that I could hear it in the other room, and it broke my heart hearing the way my little guy cried, stunned and confused. My husband is notoriously indifferent to peoples' feelings, especially the kids'. I tend to be very intuitive and empathetic. His complete lack of either of these two qualities frustrates me so deeply that at times I literally can not see straight when he behaves like this.
Unfortunately, I have so much built up resentment and frustration in this relationship, that it takes very little for me to be ready to give up again. The next night, out of the blue, I factually and unemotionally expressed my feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and readiness to walk away. It is not that I don't care about him, because I deeply do. We have built a life together, have children together, and had planned to follow suit by growing old together. However, things don't always happen like we plan. And caring about someone isn't necessarily enough to keep you together.
Life has resembled a roller-coaster ride recently. Sometimes I think I just need to suck it up and make the most of what we have. Other times, I feel that I can't take another day of his ignorance and denial.
He was home for two days, and just left again. It used to bother me when he left, but it's getting easier all the time. The more I get used to being without him, the easier it will be to call it quits. But then I think, who's to say the grass will even be greener on the other side? It certainly won't be greener right away; maybe it never will be. What should we reasonably expect out of marriage and out of life? Do we settle and make-do, or do we give our best shot at making this one and only life as rewarding and fulfilling as possible? How do you know which to give up-- a disappointing relationship, or your life's needs and desires?
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Honeymoon Is Over. . .Again
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14 comments:
As a person who will have her 25th anniversary this year (if we don't kill each other before September) I can tell you it's often VERY hard. We had divorce paperwork in our hands a couple of years ago. Some stuff can be fixed, some can't. But if the grass isn't greener, at least it would be YOUR grass. But when is the last time the two of you got away, even for an overnight or weekend, without the kids? I've found that helps a LOT.
Hugs and peace!
What did he say when you told him that you were exhausted and ready to call it quits? His response was...?
Life will give us all types of obstacles, and its our job to make the best of it. Last year, I lost my home, lost my job, and then got married. And if it wasn't for my then bride-to-be, I don't know what I would do, and vice-versa. Yes, sometimes things happen that are shitty, but we deal with it, and move on. If you love him, you can do the same. Suck it up, take him faults and all, and know that he loves you.
The question I have is: Do you decide that what you have needs to stay like that because "The kids need a family unit", or do you look at the bigger picture and decide that kids are the most resilient thing known to mankind (based on there being at least 1 responsible adult)and will bounce back from whatever gets thrown at them.
Do you see yourself where you are now in 5 years time?
When is the right time to move on?
Is there ever a right time to move on?
The joy of this thing we call life is that it is what you make it.
Don't be afraid of what is around the corner. I turned that corner once and now have everything I want in life.
Tamera,
His response was silence, as usual. He lives his life in a state of denial, which is one thing I can not continue to bear the weight of.
Jinksy,
You are absolutely right that life gives obstacles. But does loving someone mean sacrificing your own happiness because they are unwilling or unable to provide what you need in a relationship? You said that if it wasn't for your (then) bride-to-be, you don't know what you would do...so she has been there for you? Someone you can count on? That hasn't been the case for me. Although I know he cares in his own way, he has abandoned me when I have needed a husband more than ever. I have had to find my own life-vest because he refused to throw one.
I do really appreciate getting different feedback and life experiences.
Some Random Stranger,
You are asking the questions that I have been asking myself. But I have realized that if I don't see it improving, then there is no sense in prolonging the inevitable by sticking around longer. If it's going to be over, then the sooner the better. But there are so many complicating factors. I have no family within 1,000 miles, and it's about to become 1,500 when my parents move. We uprooted our entire lives to move here for his job 4 years ago. Do you think I earned any brownie points for leaving everything I ever knew to help his career? ...pishaw I got a big fat case of depression without an ounce of 'give a shit' from the one who brought us here. Basically, since my parents are moving away from where I spent my first 28 years, I don't know where home would be. Not to mention, I would have to cram us into some apartment, and juggle a job and kids, and after-school care. All this, to most-likely stay single the rest of my life. I just feel really trapped, because there is no good solution. The thought of taking either course (staying or leaving) sucks and frightens me. A lot. =(
There are so many differences that can be worked on, and yet it is so very dependent on some sort of interaction, when the going is tough. Silence is known to be lethal in relationships. I was pretty certain that that was the answer to my question. I was just checking. It is pretty typical with the type of frustrations you were expressing. Is it work that takes him away from home?
Well. I did exactly what you are writing about for 7 yrs. (2 kids), in a foreign country (no family there), working and going through nursing school (had to start over). Know what? Some of the best and happiest years of my life. The kids? They loved seeing me happy (although pretty physically exhausted sometimes...but, happy). I'm "saying" this not in a "pull yourself" together way. I really do understand.
That is more then understandable. But you wouldn't spend your life single. That is always the big one that goes through someones head.
I can well imagine the whole bunch of negative going on in your head about now.
But you must have friends around you which would be there for you, and never underestimate the power of online friends you may have.
It is a big world out there. It might not be the greatest to start with, but as I said, it is what you make of it.
Of course, it is also not for me nor any other online person to say stay or go, and can only offer opinions based on own life experiences. You know where it all stands, and will make an informed decision when the time is right!
I hope everything works out how you want it to though!
Marriage is made for people, not people for marriage. People should stop viewing marriage as an endurance contest, something to grimly hang onto, even if it no longer works.
People grow and change. Perhaps your relationship has simply run its natural course and it's time to move on.
Kids are smart. They know when their parents are miserable, but staying together just for their sake. But kids are happier when their parents are not miserable.
I was gutted to read your post; family units can be truly wonderful things. But I know from experience they move in circles especially when the children are young; lack of sleep, financial pressures, job committments all can have unpleasant effects; this maybe just a phase.. OR it may not.
For me a major concern would be the spanking of the children (Yes, there is, I believe, a time and a place for it but only a few hours after his return... it does sound as if his temper is short. And for you to cry seems to emphasis that the punishment was not justified...)
Ask yourself this.. Would you feel happy to leave your children with him? If not, then you may already know the answer to your question.
A lot of men (Sorry generalization!) have difficulty in discussing emotions or what maybe troubling them; frustrations at work probably the greatest cause. Is he happy in his job? Does he resent being away from home? Can he get a job nearer? The time apart might seem a blessed relief but it may only be excerbating the matter. I think you have to be a particular type of person to stick with what is essentially a part time, long distance realationship... and you are not one of those; you need love and support and what's more it is your right to have them if that's what you need.
Life DOES bring challenges and more often than not things DO eventually work out the better for them in. If you DO leave it will impress upon him the severity of the situation and then the ball is in his court so to speak; he will either realise his errors and the depth of your happiness and do his best to bring about your return or he will not .. and then you have your final answer.
You don't have to make the parting final.. you can leave the door open.
Maybe you need a intermediate to explain things for you or write them down and give them to him. Perhaps being emotional just makes him shut down.You have decide if you want to give him one last chance or not.
At the end of the day go with your instinct and intuition...and that will probably be the right path.
I too was really saddened to read this post :o(
Only you know what is best for you and yours. All I can tell you is of my own experience, I left my ex when I had three children under 8 to care for. It was hard, but I was happier than I had been in a long time. I would have done anything (& did) to prevent the break-up of my home, but I was the only one putting any effort into it. I did it ALL on my own, without family support, or friends.
Within a year I had met my current husband and the rest, as they say, is history. My only regret is that I didn't leave my ex earlier!
Just because you haven't got any friends now, doesn't mean that you can't make any new ones. Why not start today? Join a club, night class, take a course?
The book that freed me was 'Women Who Love Too Much'. I'm not sure if it's relevant to you, but if it is I'd definitely recommend it to you. It gave me an insight into my behaviour and gave me the strength to do the right thing.
Whatever your choice, you do still have a lot of online friends who will support you x
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419
I do have a couple of very close friends, one who is having some very serious troubles of her own (I may post on that later), and another who is very supportive. She and her husband are good friends of ours, though, so it would be awkward, and of course, the guys always support the guys.
I'm currently writing another post detailing some of the 'incidents' but don't want to bore everyone to tears. I just thought it might explain a little better where I'm coming from since my previous posts have been really vague.
I found this link a few days ago, you might find it interesting:
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
I hope you explore all possibilities of adding the adventure you need to your life without leaving.
Peace
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