With my last post, one may assume that I am just needing to sew my wild oats. It's not that simple at all, or I would try to shake things up with him a bit, not be ready to throw it all away. While, there is a smidgen of truth to that statement, you must know whether the chicken or the egg came first. My desire to do some oat sewing has evolved out of our marital problems which have been brewing for over a year.
With my new Adderall 'vision' I have been able to recognize the dysfunctional patterns that have led me to feeling so much resentment. I know we're supposed to overlook the trivial quirks that our mates have which drive us crazy, but how about when you were forced to rely on others because your husband wouldn't help you out in desperate situations? If I can not count on him when I need him, what's the point?
He does, of course, have positive qualities, and I'm not trying to belittle him. I am simply sharing candid insights into my life, and hoping to foster personal growth in the process. I admit, it's strange opening up so much about myself, but I have always found writing to be cathartic.
Libertine, you nailed it (pardon the pun) when you spoke of people growing and changing. Most of us are not the same in our 30's as we were in our twenties. Many of the things I loved him for are long gone or buried, and the things that I foolishly thought he'd outgrow (since we married young), he didn't.
Aside from the things he has and hasn't done, there are two primary reasons I fear our relationship is doomed. The first is that the word 'initiate' is not in his vocabulary. He refuses to initiate anything, including problem solving. The other is that it requires so much energy for him to invest the everyday gestures that a husband and father should want to put into his family. He didn't have a good example growing up, and although I thought he was a world apart from his abhorrent father, I guess the apple can only fall so far from the tree.
Another major issue is that he ignores anything he finds uncomfortable to think about. He brushes everything under the rug. No matter what I say to him, as long as I am not on his case at that very moment, he thinks it's all good. I have continued to express how untrue that mentality is. I told him that I can't be pissy every minute of my life! Just because we're talking and laughing, does not mean our marriage is in good shape! For God sake, if the issue I have expressed to you has not been solved, then it is still an issue!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
There Is More Than Meets The Eye
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2 comments:
A common problem with the male species (of which I'm a card-carrying member) is that it is a rare thing that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Having married to an already mother-of-two, I would hear stories of her ex's temper and poor attitude. Her son, now 21, holds great disdain for his father, but still exhibits some of those traits he loathes his father for. I try to portray a positive role in his life and guide him when I can, and bring some positive influence into his life.
While your husband may not have had the best role model, there may be others who can still guide him to where he needs to be.
Jinksy,
Thank you for the insightful comment...I appreciate your perspective, and can say that I find myself doing that same sort of thing with my mother. I don't particularly like her, but catch myself sounding like her. Ewwww.
I'm afraid it's too late for a male role model, however, on that note, I think counseling would benefit him greatly. But it has to be his doing, b/c I'm done pushing for change...I have expressed this idea to him on several occasions, along with many others, and he is a grown man and has to take the initiative to change his life. He will have no one to blame but himself when it all falls apart.
I'm glad you're doing what you can for your wife's son. She must have snagged a younger man if you're my age? Way to go... ;)
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